I broke down.

My baby boy is only four weeks and two days old so this blog is a constant, evolving and recent take on my experiences as I grow into motherhood.

I haven’t struggled in the past to show my emotion, in the sense that I would cry at regular intervals in the privacy of my own room. It’s good to expel all of that pent up energy and just let it run down your face. But for some reason, from when I found out I was pregnant to last night, I barely shed a tear. I’m usually calm and it takes a lot to make me explode in one way or another and I’ve just put it down to that until last night. It’s not from lack of needing to, I just didn’t have that urge to break down that entire length of time, which has to be a record.

If you frequent this blog or if you have experienced motherhood, you know that it’s sometimes draining, demanding and tiring. (We love our babies but it’s hard sometimes!).

In the last couple of weeks our boy hasn’t been sleeping that great, I understand he’s far too little for me to expect routine, but my mental health can’t cope on such small amounts of sleep.

img_20170207_105859_602I cried for the first time since mother hood last night. I had slept about 7 hours in 48 hours, and that was all broken. Torben had been absolutely grizzly all day, I had drank myself into a caffeine panic attack and I honestly, just FELT.LIKE.CRAP.

After a long day of visiting grandad and close friends, I was exhausted and, so was he. Once we got home, reasonably late in the evening, around 10pm, he started incessantly screaming. I tried everything apart from feeding him, my judgement was he had just eaten only an hour previous, surely it couldn’t be that. Needless to say he was screeching into the depths of my soul and I simply couldn’t cope. Once my partner had made him a bottle, I quickly handed him Torben and proceeded to break down in tears with my head in my hands. 

I was ashamed: I hate crying in front of anyone it doesn’t matter how close we are, I will still try to avoid it like the plague. I had my hands over my face because I couldn’t stand to be seen so weak.

I felt powerless: I felt in an instant that I was a failure of a mother and that surely my child shouldn’t be screaming like that. Surely, I should be able to help him always and take any pain away.

I felt stupid: I thought I must be exaggerating, surely I didn’t need to cry like that?

Finally, I felt fucking fatigued in every sense of the word. Physically I could barely pick up my feet and mentally I couldn’t handle the smallest thing to go wrong. If someone had so much as said the slightly wrong thing, I would’ve lost the plot. My mental capacity to deal with life had gone with my lack of sleep.

Fortunately I am incredibly lucky to have an amazing man in my life. He took the night shift, even though he had work the next day, and I managed to get about 6 – 7 solid hours of sleep in. Today I feel like I’m on my way to feeling somewhat human again.

I’m learning that, I’m not capable of being the ‘perfect’ mother, and that’s okay.  It’s okay to ball your eyes out and be vulnerable because you can start to pick yourself up after that. I also now realize I really need to start looking after myself; I need to eat better food regularly, force myself to sleep more, go for walks often and create positive thoughts.

Remember, when you feel like you can’t cope, you aren’t alone. I’m always here if anyone needs to talk, even if it’s so much as you needing to vent. You can message me on my facebook or simply e-mail me at thethreebearsnz@gmail.com! I will ALWAYS respond.

All of the love and support,

The Three Bears NZ.

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