Have you ever? (Poem)

Image

20160222_132943

 

Blinded charade, lost in translation, seeping through the depths like a transmuted guide.

Goodness, radiating through the caverns of my mind.

Step back, realize, unity.

This journey, powered by the human mind, so fickle. Lest we forget, nature: mother gaia.

Travel through the gaps in our society; individuality.

We will not be controlled.

My moon and my stars.

My own version of golden warmth, times such as this stands still. I realize not that it’s a moment fleeting.

Blur.

Does anyone else struggle with a messy mind? I find myself in a constant state of seeing things that need to be done, but leaving my current task undone! And, I don’t know what you’ve been told but, baby brain lasts a very long time. I had it bad during pregnancy, and, I still have it, in some cases I would say it’s worse since having our cub.

Between insomnia, our child waking up during the night for feeds and just generally not getting into bed early enough, my baby brain is shocking. My midnight bedtime is a little too late, but if you are anything like me, you’re not an early night or an early morning person. Besides, when else am I meant to get shit done?!IMG_20170304_163914.jpg

This week, I’ve just taken a step back to chill out a bit more, and it feels good. It feels really good to just not adult for a few days. Infact I might just conclude this week as a write-off, and squish all of my adulting into one whole day.

My whole life feels like a bit of a write-off at the moment. Between trying to learn this little being I grew for 9 – 10 months, which, is already a write-off automatically because, let’s be honest we don’t remember much of our pregnancies except the morning sickness, what we craved pork rinds, chocolate sundays and that we didn’t like labour. My early days and weeks of motherhood ( I know i’m still in early motherhood but, those super early days) were a combination of pizza and thai takeaways, muesli bars, bags of chips, chocolate and lots of netflix. They were, and still are on occasion lovely and heartwarming but sometimes, tedious, stressful and forced.

My point is, my weeks are a blur, OUR weeks are a blur. When i’m telling someone about something that happened weeks ago it turned out it was only days ago, I can’t concentrate because my time and days are in small increments between my child’s wake and sleep periods, so my days feel stupidly short but longer than ever, and often I feel like I barely get anything done and if I don’t write it down it doesn’t happen.

We are all only just getting into a routine for the first time in… what was I talking about? Kidding. The first time in what feels like a very long time. It feels good, to know what to expect, kind of. But that changes ALL THE TIME when you have a wee cub, and as much as I like to say I embrace it, it’s havoc at times and i’m just waiting for the next short routine to appear. Between being a mama and trying to start some sort of business I’m finding it highly challenging at the moment..

Do you other mothers struggle with juggling tasks and routines? I’d love to hear what other mama’s do!

All the love and support,

The Three Bears NZ.

4.

It is no easy task to pinpoint a particular member of my family of whom I am particularly grateful for. Each and everyone has shaped me into this being that I am today, this friend I am today, this mother I am today.

I am thankful for my mother, she gave me my loving heart and my fiery passion. My spontaneity, to be kind but to assert myself when appropriate and how to love to the moon and then back again.

I am thankful for my father, he gave me my logic, taught me to be kind to all living things, to take photo’s and leave only footprints and that sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me.

I am thankful for my sister, she taught me to be thankful, grateful and realize how fortunate I truly am. To love life, even when things may not appear so good, that life is what you make of it and find light in the darkest of times.

I am thankful for my birth father, he has shown me to dismiss people’s judgments, to always give my opinion and that simply being me is enough.

I am thankful for my closest friends, who have stood the test of time, who stick by my side and offer me support no matter the time of day.

I am thankful for the single most incredible man I could ever ask to have by my side, we grow each day, together, who is there as a constant stream of loving support.

My beautiful son, who would I be without you? You are a beautiful old soul my boy. I am full of gratitude, warmth and joy when I look at you.

The Three Bears NZ.

I’m back!

I’ve been so caught up in my own little bubble that I haven’t allowed myself, or given myself the respect to just sit down, take a deep breath and release all of my negative thoughts and stresses. The truth is, as I stated in my last post: I haven’t felt myself. I’m working on getting on top of it, but as you all know, it’s easier said than done!

So much of my time and energy has/is going into the business and being a mother, to a now 3 month old boy (holy crap, where did the time go?!) that I haven’t had a chance to really think straight!

Now, I know it’s not just me, but I have found since becoming a mother and a parent that my grip on time has totally loosened and I have no idea if I am up or down sometimes! Days disappear as if I haven’t lived them at all, (sometimes I wonder if I have!) and other times days pop out of nowhere. It’s so hard to juggle everything and unfortunately writing this blog has been lost within the myriad of obstacles in my way and for a time, simply became a chore, which is not at all what the point in this blog is for me.

Well here I am, i’m going to ensure for my mental health, yet again, that I am regularly updating the blog!

Torben and Lex.jpg

The light of my life.

Where am I at now? Well, being a mother of a beautiful growing little boy cub is absolutely incredible! I consider myself so fortunate every day to have this little cub in my life and an incredible man by my side. Life is testing me right now but I am rising above, and currently feeling like a phoenix rising from the ashes. I feel like I can breathe again, and in turn I feel a light inside of me burning again that I haven’t felt for a long time.

I am trying to get back on the rails and look after myself in mind, body and spirit. My partner and I will be detoxing after my birthday and honestly, I am genuinely excited to get that part of our lives started so we can both be the best for ourselves and our cub. As much as I am trying to be happy within myself, standing on the scales for the first time in a year to find I am 100.9kg was a sad shock to me, and although I hate weight and would rather avoid owning scales, it still hit home and I keep telling myself to stop being so upset. Apart from, what feels like a huge setback,  I am counting my blessings each day and allowing myself to remember that I am important and when one loves themself, they can learn to love more. I am giving in ways I know how and this brings me higher again.

I hope you are all doing well, I look forward to writing on a regular basis again! Thank you for your patience, you are all incredible!

The Three Bears NZ.

 

 

Mother mother.

Such an indescribable experience, watching, listening, learning and growing along side this little human that multiplied inside of us. How does one find the words to describe such a thing? Love, such a fickle thing in the eyes of motherhood. Unconditional, striving to learn to love more than love itself. There are no words, only actions, only proof. 

The lights of my life that shine brighter than any Sun.

Gratitude #2

I’ve been very fortunate in this life. Whenever  I have been through bad times it’s been a prequel to an opening of joy and positivity. But the one thing I was previously never open to was timing. Timing was always off, at least I made it seem that way within myself. But for the first time, it seemed like the timing was of divinity. The way in which I met the father to my child, my companion, was all thanks to a reunion of a friendship. Ever since that moment, my life has seemed much more rounded, like a complete cycle; i’ve felt whole.

I am constantly living in a moment of gratitude with this amazing human being who, initially proved me to be completely wrong at every turn, and lead me to quickly changing my preconceptions of what I expected from people. At every bump in the road he’s been there to, not pick me up, but to make me realize that I have the capability to pick myself up, and words simply can’t describe how grateful I am for that.

img_20170129_140205_538In living with this incredible human, I have seen on a daily basis how selflessly he gives himself, not just to me but everyone around him. He endeavours to support me, but offers honesty for all choices I make. He is my safe place, my home.  I am constantly shown how it is to just love someone, and be loved in return. I am baffled by his pure kindness, his state of serenity, intelligence, and capability to be open to all things.
Not only are these things between us now, but shared with a beautiful little human being we both helped into this world. He is a natural father, a nurturing father, an inspiring father and he physically, mentally and financially supports our son and I. There is no fear of bringing up a human in this world full of the inept when I have such a true man by my side.

Fleetwood Mac Funny Nathan And LexI am in constant wonder at how harmonious we are and the complete lack of judgement in this pure simplicity which is, us. I am thankful for all that we have in common, and all that we don’t, for all of those deep talks, and the individuality. He is my best friend.

Words just don’t cut how vivaciously my gratitude grows every day for this amazing companion of mine. How fortunate I am in this life.