I lost sight.

I had an extensive look through my blog posts over the last couple of months and, i realized that a lot of the things I had posted just weren’t me. I wanted a heartfelt blog, honest and true, my version of motherhood, not a constant stream of minor updates but a genuine take on my journey through motherhood.

I’ll rewind a little bit; This year has been absolutely, mind meltingly life altering, I know I became a mother this year and that itself is altering enough, but after meeting our beautiful cub I felt inspired. Inspired like I never had been before. I wanted (and still want) to be the best version of myself I could ever be. All it took was once look at our son for me to change. I want to be the best version of me for our son, my partner, family and myself.

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My small business venture “Aromama’s” logo.

So, thanks to an old friend, the amazing world of essential oils and aromatherapy was opened up to me. After a lifetime of struggling to find that ‘thing’ I wanted to do, it found me, at a vital point of my life, at a point of most vulnerability and whilst I was wide open to the universe. I fell in love quickly, and thus Aromama was born. Since that point I have made the choice to study and pursue my newly found, but deep passion of becoming an Aromatherapist and genuinely helping people.

One of the setbacks of being a first time mother is, not realizing that everything takes just a little bit longer to attain, from the simplest of tasks like folding the washing to attempting grocery shopping. Point being is, I naively believed I could cope with starting a new business venture and efficiently study at the same time. Unfortunately, in my usual style I over committed myself, and the first thing that I sacrificed was spending time on this blog, something that was and is a vital part of me coping with my mental health, sharing with other amazing humans what motherhood is whilst being creative and most importantly healing.

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Studying hard or hardly studying..

I have ‘wakeful’ periods during my days where I can function like a normal human, and it’s during those periods of my day where I’m useful and I usually try to get anything that requires brain power completed in this short window. Usually its spent trying to become market ready for Aromama, or I try to complete some of my assignments, but today I felt compelled to look over my blog, and I spent some time just speed reading through some recent posts to come to the conclusion I didn’t like the content, at all.

Contrary to what I led myself to believe, I haven’t been myself for a good couple of months now. I get it, motherhood changes you, it’s changed me so vastly that I think I’m still trying to figure out who I am in this new role as mother. I’m trying to not feel disappointed in myself for not being farther along in my development. Long story short, I’ve allowed my vibration, frequency and positivity to drop, and a lot of my content lately has depicted that.

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From now on, I will take a much more self reflective and positive stance in this journey. I will post content that not only makes me feel good, but content that has the ability to make you, the beautiful reader to feel happier as well. I want you to leave my blog and go away having a better outlook on your situation, because your all incredible. The mothers I have met and become closer with since becoming a mother – you are all incredible and I really don’t know where I would be without you, online and offline.

Thank you for continuing to support me throughout this wonderful new journey,

Alexa. (The Three Bears NZ)

 

Gratitude 3 – Whanau

My circumstance is a little different to most when it comes to family, but I am all the more blessed for how things have turned out.

It’s as if there was divine intervention when I was brought into this world. Adopted from birth, and raised by the two most loving parents, gifted from a selfless mother who wanted a better life to give. I’m fortunate to have a solid relationship with my biological older sister and father as well.

Since having our little cub and being with an incredible partner I am also so lucky to be part of a whole new family experience. I consider myself highly grateful to be included with my partners amazing and

 highly loving family.

When I sit here and think of my family now, I feel like I might burst at the seams with all of the love and kindness. I am full of gratitude, I am full of love, I am open to a new and deeper experience of family.

Alexa.

I know you now

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We stared into one another, he took everything in about me, and I him. How his hair is growing millimeter but millimetre each day, how inquisitive those once blurred eyes now are seeking my familiar stare and those lips that mirror his father’s. I wonder what he see’s in me?

It’s such a precious thing, within just a moment of time to realize how beautiful a mother and child bond. The magnitude of being a parent is unfathomable most times as we all carry on with our day. If we honestly always felt the gravity of raising a child every moment of everyday we would probably shatter under the inert force that is, being a parent. But we don’t, we grow, we blossom and we only falter on occasion only to rise more experienced than we were prior. Each day I become more confident as a mother and a parent. Each day I know my child a little more  and that brings me immeasurable amounts of joy.

I let the light of love into my heart and into my soul so that I can love deeper to those around me.

Blessings, Alexa.

 

Love Thyself.

I’ve been struggling to look after myself ‘properly’ ever since Torben entered this world. I promised myself a walk a day, to exclude dairy from my diet and to attempt earlier nights. I know it does no one any good, specifically myself, to beat myself up over empty promises. But I can’t help but feel disappointed in myself.

A friend of mine and I have signed up for beginners yoga and I am enthralled that it’s one thing I certainly can’t or won’t make excuses to get out of. The dog ate my yoga pants just won’t cut it.

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Vegetable breakfast bowl with grilled haloumi + turmeric yogurt and homemade basil pesto.

I am a qualified chef so I absolutely love food and cooking; it’s one of my passions. Since becoming a mother I find myself having only moments of being absolutely adamant about my strict diet, the other half I resort to ‘I’m too tired to cook, let’s get pizza with all of the extra mozzarella’. If i’m going to have bad food, i might as well have all of the bad food. That’s logic, right?

When I do have the energy to make a healthy meal I love cooking and using clean, green and as much organic ingredients as I can! It brings me a lot of joy to feed myself and those that I love. So why can’t I be consistent at the moment?

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Bulgar wheat with basil + cherry tomatoes + cashews + olives + goat’s milk feta and apple cider vinegar dressing.

For me, it all boils down to how tired I am on any given day, which at the moment seems to be all of the time; it’s just one annoying cycle.

  1. I’m tired because I don’t get to bed early or take advantage of the sleep that is available to me.
  2. I don’t get to bed early enough because I’m trying to clean the house so I don’t wake up to a mess.
  3. I clean the house so I don’t wake up to a mess because I want to have time to cook a healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner.
  4. But I wake up the next morning tired. 

And thus the cycle starts again!

However, I have an idea to keep myself in check and to finally break the cycle!

  1. I will post a recipe, photo or ‘food diary’ each day!
  2. I must have a class on the go at any given time that I am able to do whilst recovering from my c-section.

I don’t plan on counting calories and weighing myself, that’s not my reason for any of this. I want to be a healthier, happier me. I want to be able to chase my little bear cub around and not feel like Harry Heartattack!

Does anyone else have this problem? Leave your story in the comments!

All of the love and support,

The Three Bears NZ.

The Parent Panic.

Being a first time parent is incredible! You couldn’t imagine life being more fulfilling. But you are learning on the job, and there are a few things that you can’t help but freak out about..

This constant stream of news about Trump, ISIS and global climate change has me thinking “What kind of world have we bought our son into?! You constantly wonder what the world will be like in 20 years time for your children, and to tell you the truth, I don’t like what I see.

mother-nature-artistic-wallpaperThere is a barrage of narrow minded pricks constantly asking the wrong questions just to prevent open minded people from creating a beautiful Mother Earth.

What is one mother meant to do? I’ll tell you now, you make the smallest difference, because even the smallest difference counts! Show your child that one human DOES make a difference. Recycle, use all of your left-overs, pick up a piece of rubbish on the side of the road, buy free-range eggs, stop eating meat every night, be kind to your fellow human, learn an alternative health method, ride your bike or walk more, take shorter showers and the list is endless! All you can do is be the best example you can muster!

The future generations need to be taught that this world really does have limited time, especially if we don’t look after our planet earth. The things our children will grow to see will be absolutely breathtaking, but they will also see what generations to pass have done to this beautiful planet.

If I can honestly say in 20 years time that my partner and I raised a kind, generous, open-minded human, I say job well done. Job well done to all of you parents who are currently working towards that or have already gotten to that milestone!

What are your “Parent Panic’s?” Leave your answer in the comments!

All the love and support,

The Three Bears NZ.

 

 

I broke down.

My baby boy is only four weeks and two days old so this blog is a constant, evolving and recent take on my experiences as I grow into motherhood.

I haven’t struggled in the past to show my emotion, in the sense that I would cry at regular intervals in the privacy of my own room. It’s good to expel all of that pent up energy and just let it run down your face. But for some reason, from when I found out I was pregnant to last night, I barely shed a tear. I’m usually calm and it takes a lot to make me explode in one way or another and I’ve just put it down to that until last night. It’s not from lack of needing to, I just didn’t have that urge to break down that entire length of time, which has to be a record.

If you frequent this blog or if you have experienced motherhood, you know that it’s sometimes draining, demanding and tiring. (We love our babies but it’s hard sometimes!).

In the last couple of weeks our boy hasn’t been sleeping that great, I understand he’s far too little for me to expect routine, but my mental health can’t cope on such small amounts of sleep.

img_20170207_105859_602I cried for the first time since mother hood last night. I had slept about 7 hours in 48 hours, and that was all broken. Torben had been absolutely grizzly all day, I had drank myself into a caffeine panic attack and I honestly, just FELT.LIKE.CRAP.

After a long day of visiting grandad and close friends, I was exhausted and, so was he. Once we got home, reasonably late in the evening, around 10pm, he started incessantly screaming. I tried everything apart from feeding him, my judgement was he had just eaten only an hour previous, surely it couldn’t be that. Needless to say he was screeching into the depths of my soul and I simply couldn’t cope. Once my partner had made him a bottle, I quickly handed him Torben and proceeded to break down in tears with my head in my hands. 

I was ashamed: I hate crying in front of anyone it doesn’t matter how close we are, I will still try to avoid it like the plague. I had my hands over my face because I couldn’t stand to be seen so weak.

I felt powerless: I felt in an instant that I was a failure of a mother and that surely my child shouldn’t be screaming like that. Surely, I should be able to help him always and take any pain away.

I felt stupid: I thought I must be exaggerating, surely I didn’t need to cry like that?

Finally, I felt fucking fatigued in every sense of the word. Physically I could barely pick up my feet and mentally I couldn’t handle the smallest thing to go wrong. If someone had so much as said the slightly wrong thing, I would’ve lost the plot. My mental capacity to deal with life had gone with my lack of sleep.

Fortunately I am incredibly lucky to have an amazing man in my life. He took the night shift, even though he had work the next day, and I managed to get about 6 – 7 solid hours of sleep in. Today I feel like I’m on my way to feeling somewhat human again.

I’m learning that, I’m not capable of being the ‘perfect’ mother, and that’s okay.  It’s okay to ball your eyes out and be vulnerable because you can start to pick yourself up after that. I also now realize I really need to start looking after myself; I need to eat better food regularly, force myself to sleep more, go for walks often and create positive thoughts.

Remember, when you feel like you can’t cope, you aren’t alone. I’m always here if anyone needs to talk, even if it’s so much as you needing to vent. You can message me on my facebook or simply e-mail me at thethreebearsnz@gmail.com! I will ALWAYS respond.

All of the love and support,

The Three Bears NZ.

Our new life.

Its daunting when the day finally comes! You have the all clear to go home with your beautiful little bundle! Your new life begins!

cofYou are still healing yourself, whether it’s from vaginal birth, surgery or from the various other procedures.. You have had 2 hours sleep in 48 hours and are slightly delusional. You may be extremely volatile in your emotions and you aren’t quite sure the next tantrum or bout of tears will show up and you aren’t confident breastfeeding, (or know if that’s the path you’re even going to go down yet). You and your other half have never been so scared in your life, but you have both never been so elated.

There is so much you aren’t told about having a newborn! Like my amazing midwife says, “they don’t come with a manual!”. If only they did! Some days they cry all day. You’ve fed them, cleaned them, changed them, cuddled them and still, to no avail, you sit in defeat in an almost ‘meditative’ state that occurs before you scream into the closest cushion like object.

Sometimes newborns are mysterious and hard to figure out. It just takes time! Before you know if you will understand every sound he or she makes! Almost anyway!

What I have learned up until now is far from what I thought I would of by now! Here’s a few things I can offer you:

  • They are able to communicate their needs to a degree. Hungry? There’s a cry for that. Pooping? There’s a cry for that. Hot? Cold? There’s a … you get the point.
  • You CAN take them out into the wide world pretty quickly! As long as you are ready! If you are anything like me, you get cabin fever pretty quickly and need to get out of the house regularly.
  • Be prepared for judgement and opinions ALL OF THE TIME. God forbid your child makes so much as a small whimper in front of the old woman walking past! Just remember, you know best! This is your child after all and people can talk until they are blue in the face! You take what you you find useful, and, well.. Fuck the rest!
  • The second the nappy is off, they shit, or urinate, ALL OVER YOU. If you are like me, and have a boy then you know just how far there peep can go!
  • They fart like adults! (I wish I knew that because the first time Torben let one rip I was definitely startled).
  • I can’t stress this one enough.. DON’T EXPECT ROUTINE STRAIGHT AWAY! They are so little and it takes them a while to get used to this world outside of your uterus! And don’t beat yourself up! All you can really do is give them what they need, when they need it.

The list could go on forever! Newborns are gorgeous little beings that require a lot of our time and energy, but don’t panic! You got this Mama! Just remember, you are all the Mama your baby needs and you aren’t alone! Don’t be afraid to reach out to people if you have to! You matter just as much as your child!

There are so many things I am constantly learning everyday, and as tired as we can be sometimes, I wouldn’t have it any other way!

All the love and support,

The Three Bears NZ