Gratitude 5 – Pounamu

Picking up where I left off yesterday, I thought it made a lot of sense to resume the Gratitude Challenge that I had commit myself to. I wanted to do this so I would reflect over the beautiful people, things and experiences in my life, thus raising my vibration and enable myself to be more open and receptive to the love this incredible universe of ours has to offer.

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My Pounamu Pikorua (twist), gifted to me by Nathan.

My Pikorua, gifted to me by Nathan on our first year anniversary is my most loved  possession. Pounamu, New Zealand nephrite or more commonly known as jade is known as ‘The God Stone’ by Maori. Pounamu is is believed to protect, show kinship, love, offer good faith and evoke strength coming in the forms of different carvings.

The Pounamu Nathan gifted me is called Pikorua. It represents the spirits of two people intertwined, destined to always find one other no matter where life takes them. It is a cycle, constant, portraying the relationship between life and the eternal.

In Maori tradition, the stone must be blessed before it is to be worn, commonly blessed because Pounamu is known as tapu (sacred). I chose to bless mine in the moana (ocean) in front of the house where I spent the first seventeen years of my life, which will always hold a special place in my manawa (heart).

It is the most thoughtful gift anyone has thought to give me, it encompasses me. It brings me comfort when I am alone, it brings me strength when I feel like I can’t get up in the morning and it fills me with love with i think of who and where my Pounamu came from. I am blessed to have such an incredible companion who constantly supports me, who I can trust 120%, who’s always there and works so hard for our little whanau.

I am open to receiving the love of the universe.

Alexa.

 

 

I lost sight.

I had an extensive look through my blog posts over the last couple of months and, i realized that a lot of the things I had posted just weren’t me. I wanted a heartfelt blog, honest and true, my version of motherhood, not a constant stream of minor updates but a genuine take on my journey through motherhood.

I’ll rewind a little bit; This year has been absolutely, mind meltingly life altering, I know I became a mother this year and that itself is altering enough, but after meeting our beautiful cub I felt inspired. Inspired like I never had been before. I wanted (and still want) to be the best version of myself I could ever be. All it took was once look at our son for me to change. I want to be the best version of me for our son, my partner, family and myself.

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My small business venture “Aromama’s” logo.

So, thanks to an old friend, the amazing world of essential oils and aromatherapy was opened up to me. After a lifetime of struggling to find that ‘thing’ I wanted to do, it found me, at a vital point of my life, at a point of most vulnerability and whilst I was wide open to the universe. I fell in love quickly, and thus Aromama was born. Since that point I have made the choice to study and pursue my newly found, but deep passion of becoming an Aromatherapist and genuinely helping people.

One of the setbacks of being a first time mother is, not realizing that everything takes just a little bit longer to attain, from the simplest of tasks like folding the washing to attempting grocery shopping. Point being is, I naively believed I could cope with starting a new business venture and efficiently study at the same time. Unfortunately, in my usual style I over committed myself, and the first thing that I sacrificed was spending time on this blog, something that was and is a vital part of me coping with my mental health, sharing with other amazing humans what motherhood is whilst being creative and most importantly healing.

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Studying hard or hardly studying..

I have ‘wakeful’ periods during my days where I can function like a normal human, and it’s during those periods of my day where I’m useful and I usually try to get anything that requires brain power completed in this short window. Usually its spent trying to become market ready for Aromama, or I try to complete some of my assignments, but today I felt compelled to look over my blog, and I spent some time just speed reading through some recent posts to come to the conclusion I didn’t like the content, at all.

Contrary to what I led myself to believe, I haven’t been myself for a good couple of months now. I get it, motherhood changes you, it’s changed me so vastly that I think I’m still trying to figure out who I am in this new role as mother. I’m trying to not feel disappointed in myself for not being farther along in my development. Long story short, I’ve allowed my vibration, frequency and positivity to drop, and a lot of my content lately has depicted that.

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From now on, I will take a much more self reflective and positive stance in this journey. I will post content that not only makes me feel good, but content that has the ability to make you, the beautiful reader to feel happier as well. I want you to leave my blog and go away having a better outlook on your situation, because your all incredible. The mothers I have met and become closer with since becoming a mother – you are all incredible and I really don’t know where I would be without you, online and offline.

Thank you for continuing to support me throughout this wonderful new journey,

Alexa. (The Three Bears NZ)

 

Love Thyself.

I’ve been struggling to look after myself ‘properly’ ever since Torben entered this world. I promised myself a walk a day, to exclude dairy from my diet and to attempt earlier nights. I know it does no one any good, specifically myself, to beat myself up over empty promises. But I can’t help but feel disappointed in myself.

A friend of mine and I have signed up for beginners yoga and I am enthralled that it’s one thing I certainly can’t or won’t make excuses to get out of. The dog ate my yoga pants just won’t cut it.

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Vegetable breakfast bowl with grilled haloumi + turmeric yogurt and homemade basil pesto.

I am a qualified chef so I absolutely love food and cooking; it’s one of my passions. Since becoming a mother I find myself having only moments of being absolutely adamant about my strict diet, the other half I resort to ‘I’m too tired to cook, let’s get pizza with all of the extra mozzarella’. If i’m going to have bad food, i might as well have all of the bad food. That’s logic, right?

When I do have the energy to make a healthy meal I love cooking and using clean, green and as much organic ingredients as I can! It brings me a lot of joy to feed myself and those that I love. So why can’t I be consistent at the moment?

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Bulgar wheat with basil + cherry tomatoes + cashews + olives + goat’s milk feta and apple cider vinegar dressing.

For me, it all boils down to how tired I am on any given day, which at the moment seems to be all of the time; it’s just one annoying cycle.

  1. I’m tired because I don’t get to bed early or take advantage of the sleep that is available to me.
  2. I don’t get to bed early enough because I’m trying to clean the house so I don’t wake up to a mess.
  3. I clean the house so I don’t wake up to a mess because I want to have time to cook a healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner.
  4. But I wake up the next morning tired. 

And thus the cycle starts again!

However, I have an idea to keep myself in check and to finally break the cycle!

  1. I will post a recipe, photo or ‘food diary’ each day!
  2. I must have a class on the go at any given time that I am able to do whilst recovering from my c-section.

I don’t plan on counting calories and weighing myself, that’s not my reason for any of this. I want to be a healthier, happier me. I want to be able to chase my little bear cub around and not feel like Harry Heartattack!

Does anyone else have this problem? Leave your story in the comments!

All of the love and support,

The Three Bears NZ.

When we met you, our bear cub.

I always told myself I would never forget the day I gave birth to my child, that was whilst I was pregnant.. Tell you what, I never will forget.

I had been in early labour on and off for weeks, it could of been close to a month. But honestly, the last month or so of my pregnancy is quite a blur! There had been moments in which I had contacted the midwife really thinking it was time just to be told I hadn’t even began dilating! The first 2 or 3 times that happened poor Nathan had to either call work or attempt to come home early! Needless to say after weeks of that,we were both tired, our nerves were totally shot and we were just sick of waiting.

So as woman, we all have this ‘ideal’ way we want to bring our children into this earth. Some of us are okay with a bit of compromise, and some of us have our plan set in stone. When your pregnant with your first child it’s so easy to assume that everything is going to go to plan and i’m sorry to say ladies but it rarely does. So, as my amazing midwife says, “Write your birth plan in pencil!”. Don’t beat yourself up for having to do something that wasn’t a part of your original plan, just take a deep breathe, and go with it.

After two extra weeks of waiting for our son, I finally caved and agreed to induction. This was organized to happen on Thursday the 19th of January, and funnily enough, he chose to start his journey 2 days prior. Nathan and I had just gone for another one of our many long walks on the Tuesday evening, in the hopes that the walk would help by pushing out boy down, and this time, waddling my huge belly around town finally did something. After having so many ‘false starts’ I wasn’t taking the small contractions seriously, neither was Nathan. I ended up calling the midwife at 7am on Wednesday morning after having absolutely zero sleep. My contractions had gotten to five minutes apart, but because of my history with false starts, being a first time mama to be and having an O.P baby I had to sit tight until my contractions had reached a constant two minutes apart.

The last night that Nathan and I were to ever spend alone together was spent with me rolling around on my swiss ball and playing monopoly. What a last night! I was to be in the hospital at 7am the next morning in the hopes of being induced sometime that day. I didn’t end up having to wait that long. After calling the midwife at 2am on Thursday morning, I was finally given the all clear to get my pregnant butt to the hospital.

We were told we should expect to have our bear cub in our arms by 9am, everything was going to plan and it looked like I was heading towards the birth I had always wanted; natural with zero interventions.

I had to have my waters popped manually, which I promise does not hurt, and even if it did, labour is a very decent distraction. By that point my sister had arrived, my parents were running late and labour was in full swing. I’ll never forget when the midwife checked me again, to tell me that our boys head had moved up and I hadn’t progressed but gone backwards, my heart fell out of my mouth and through the floor.

I felt like my body wasn’t actually meant to bring our cub into this world. I felt like my body had totally let me down. I was told my last chance at a vaginal birth was an epidural.  Once the epidural had been successful, I was then placed onto what felt like thousands of tubes and machines. I was then put on syntocinon to try and help our boy out, and that’s when it became scary for me. His heart rate dropped with every contraction.

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My memory is a hazy here. I was up to my eyeballs in local, morphine and god knows what else that was in that cocktail. I remember holding Nathan’s hand, shaking violently and then he burst out in tears. It hit me then just how taxing this entire situation truly was on my incredible companion. After so many stops and starts, it was finally happening, and how scary? His companion was being sliced open.

Once Torben was in this world I almost instantly forgot everything, i almost forgot my name, who I was and where I was, all that mattered was this beautiful child asleep on my breast.

cofI am forever changed,

Everyday presents a new journey and a new level of happiness I never thought was achievable. Some days are tiring, some days I try to eat the T.V remote and change the channel with a banana, but its all worth every hour of lost sleep.

Alexa.

 

Where my journey through motherhood began.

My journey begins when I found out I was pregnant just before my 24th birthday in may last year, and I’ll never forget it.img_20170121_194416_162

My partner Nathan and I had been together for over a year and had started planning our move overseas. We had just booked and paid for our tickets to Melbourne Australia; we were looking forward to starting our O.E!

My period was one day late, and I just knew then, that I was pregnant. Although I hadn’t taken any tests, my body just felt so different. I went to the local supermarket whilst my partner was at work and grabbed a variety of tests, not trusting one to be enough. The moment I got home I ran upstairs, straight to the toilet and ripped the box to one of the pregnancy tests apart and began the longest piss of my life. As much as I “just knew” I was pregnant in the back of my mind, I still wasn’t mentally prepared for the blue line to appear on that stick.

The only thing my mind or my mouth could physically muster to say was “Fuck”, over and over and over again. I even dramatically slid down the wall of the bathroom to end on the floor and have my head cupped in my hands, still saying “fuck”.

I was in a loving totally functional adult relationship; we were financially pretty decent, my partner was/is an incredibly hard, loyal worker and partner. He is the perfect candidate for a father. We had a home, although somewhat small and only set up for the two of us, we could definitely make it work. But it wasn’t part of our “plan” and that’s what freaked me out so much. Plain and simple, I was freaked out.

I still wish I hadn’t told Nathan in this way but, in my panic attack I TEXTED the poor man whilst he was at work. Don’t ask me what I was thinking, because I don’t think I had the capacity to do so at that point in time!

Once he got home he seemed fine! As if I hadn’t told him one of the potentially most life altering things any human being can go through. He asked me what I wanted to do, totally respectfully this man of mine is. I honestly didn’t know at that point in time. We agreed to let me ponder on this for a couple of days (or weeks) to figure it all out. Nathan said it was completely up to me and that he would support any choice I decided on, how lucky am I?

Naturally, after having a miscarriage early on in our relationship and feeling the pain of losing a child, (that’s an entire blog post in itself) even though we had planned to terminate, I decided to keep this wee peanut growing inside of me.

After feeling absolutely freaked out, I felt the polar opposite; complete.

Almost 11 months after finding out about our little bear cub, I have learned so much in such a short amount of time and feel like I have a lot of loving, true and raw advice to offer mothers or mothers to be. This is and will be my documented and honest journey through motherhood.

All the love and support in the world to all of you incredible woman,

The Three bears.