I lost sight.

I had an extensive look through my blog posts over the last couple of months and, i realized that a lot of the things I had posted just weren’t me. I wanted a heartfelt blog, honest and true, my version of motherhood, not a constant stream of minor updates but a genuine take on my journey through motherhood.

I’ll rewind a little bit; This year has been absolutely, mind meltingly life altering, I know I became a mother this year and that itself is altering enough, but after meeting our beautiful cub I felt inspired. Inspired like I never had been before. I wanted (and still want) to be the best version of myself I could ever be. All it took was once look at our son for me to change. I want to be the best version of me for our son, my partner, family and myself.

Final Logo Aromama simple round pink
My small business venture “Aromama’s” logo.

So, thanks to an old friend, the amazing world of essential oils and aromatherapy was opened up to me. After a lifetime of struggling to find that ‘thing’ I wanted to do, it found me, at a vital point of my life, at a point of most vulnerability and whilst I was wide open to the universe. I fell in love quickly, and thus Aromama was born. Since that point I have made the choice to study and pursue my newly found, but deep passion of becoming an Aromatherapist and genuinely helping people.

One of the setbacks of being a first time mother is, not realizing that everything takes just a little bit longer to attain, from the simplest of tasks like folding the washing to attempting grocery shopping. Point being is, I naively believed I could cope with starting a new business venture and efficiently study at the same time. Unfortunately, in my usual style I over committed myself, and the first thing that I sacrificed was spending time on this blog, something that was and is a vital part of me coping with my mental health, sharing with other amazing humans what motherhood is whilst being creative and most importantly healing.

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Studying hard or hardly studying..

I have ‘wakeful’ periods during my days where I can function like a normal human, and it’s during those periods of my day where I’m useful and I usually try to get anything that requires brain power completed in this short window. Usually its spent trying to become market ready for Aromama, or I try to complete some of my assignments, but today I felt compelled to look over my blog, and I spent some time just speed reading through some recent posts to come to the conclusion I didn’t like the content, at all.

Contrary to what I led myself to believe, I haven’t been myself for a good couple of months now. I get it, motherhood changes you, it’s changed me so vastly that I think I’m still trying to figure out who I am in this new role as mother. I’m trying to not feel disappointed in myself for not being farther along in my development. Long story short, I’ve allowed my vibration, frequency and positivity to drop, and a lot of my content lately has depicted that.

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From now on, I will take a much more self reflective and positive stance in this journey. I will post content that not only makes me feel good, but content that has the ability to make you, the beautiful reader to feel happier as well. I want you to leave my blog and go away having a better outlook on your situation, because your all incredible. The mothers I have met and become closer with since becoming a mother – you are all incredible and I really don’t know where I would be without you, online and offline.

Thank you for continuing to support me throughout this wonderful new journey,

Alexa. (The Three Bears NZ)

 

Gratitude 4 – Family

It is no easy task to pinpoint a particular member of my family of whom I am particularly grateful for. Each and everyone has shaped me into this being that I am today,  this mother I am today.


I am thankful for my mother, she gave me my loving heart and my fiery passion. My spontaneity, to be kind but to assert myself when appropriate and how to love to the moon and then back again.

I am thankful for my father, he gave me my logic, taught me to be kind to all living things, to take photo’s and leave only footprints and that sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me.

I am thankful for my sister, she taught me to be thankful, grateful and realize how fortunate I truly am. To love life, even when things may not appear so good, that life is what you make of it and find light in the darkest of times.

I am thankful for my birth father, he has shown me to dismiss people’s judgments, to always give my opinion and that simply being me is enough.

I am thankful for my closest friends, who have stood the test of time, who stick by my side and offer me support no matter the time of day.

I am thankful for the single most incredible man I could ever ask to have by my side, we grow each day, together, who is there as a constant stream of loving support.

My beautiful son, who would I be without you? You are a beautiful old soul my boy. I am full of gratitude, warmth and joy when I look at you.

Alexa.

Gratitude 3 – Whanau

My circumstance is a little different to most when it comes to family, but I am all the more blessed for how things have turned out.

It’s as if there was divine intervention when I was brought into this world. Adopted from birth, and raised by the two most loving parents, gifted from a selfless mother who wanted a better life to give. I’m fortunate to have a solid relationship with my biological older sister and father as well.

Since having our little cub and being with an incredible partner I am also so lucky to be part of a whole new family experience. I consider myself highly grateful to be included with my partners amazing and

 highly loving family.

When I sit here and think of my family now, I feel like I might burst at the seams with all of the love and kindness. I am full of gratitude, I am full of love, I am open to a new and deeper experience of family.

Alexa.

Mindfood – The Current

Wednesday is usually hump day for most people but I am now officially coining it  ‘Midweek Mindfood’ (courtesy of my incredible other half) and what better to start this weekly ritual but to celebrate International women’s day by show casing a very creative and intelligent woman.

I would highly recommend that you head over to my beautiful and highly talented friends incredible blog : METAL AND STONE. Every single piece of writing has such depth and an admirable sense of self-acceptance and awareness. From descriptive gardening to positive mind maps that appear in one of her beautifully raw ‘rampages’.

You’ll leave with a much broader sense of mind and a sense of warmth within your being. Happy International Women’s Day!

Alexa.

METAL AND STONE

Rainfall’s certain magic. How beautiful be that of this world, the gathering and falling of rain from the sky.
Everything cleansed from the fluid infusion that water’s energy brings. Refreshed and renewed.

The light reflection from a tiled surface, slick. Mind your step!

Flowing movement, the pull of gravity calling to collect in a dip most low lying.
So curious, water’s seeking of itself; to join, attract, become magnetised. What better than it, to flood, pool, engulf.

Inresistant. Completely surrendered.

Birthing and sustaining, allowing life to thrive. Adaptive to any and all conditions, never ceasing to exist.

The sound variety -

Rooftop raindrops pattering, crashing and rolling surf.

Gentle trickles, delicate leaky dripping.

Fine spray of mist, tumbling shower.

Boiling bubble, cracking ice.

Sizzle and steam, hastily evaporate.

Many qualities in water, it’s true. Symbolism abounds.

The sorrow of a tear’s roll, the filling of pain to overflow. The soft…

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I know you now

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We stared into one another, he took everything in about me, and I him. How his hair is growing millimeter but millimetre each day, how inquisitive those once blurred eyes now are seeking my familiar stare and those lips that mirror his father’s. I wonder what he see’s in me?

It’s such a precious thing, within just a moment of time to realize how beautiful a mother and child bond. The magnitude of being a parent is unfathomable most times as we all carry on with our day. If we honestly always felt the gravity of raising a child every moment of everyday we would probably shatter under the inert force that is, being a parent. But we don’t, we grow, we blossom and we only falter on occasion only to rise more experienced than we were prior. Each day I become more confident as a mother and a parent. Each day I know my child a little more  and that brings me immeasurable amounts of joy.

I let the light of love into my heart and into my soul so that I can love deeper to those around me.

Blessings, Alexa.

 

When we met you, our bear cub.

I always told myself I would never forget the day I gave birth to my child, that was whilst I was pregnant.. Tell you what, I never will forget.

I had been in early labour on and off for weeks, it could of been close to a month. But honestly, the last month or so of my pregnancy is quite a blur! There had been moments in which I had contacted the midwife really thinking it was time just to be told I hadn’t even began dilating! The first 2 or 3 times that happened poor Nathan had to either call work or attempt to come home early! Needless to say after weeks of that,we were both tired, our nerves were totally shot and we were just sick of waiting.

So as woman, we all have this ‘ideal’ way we want to bring our children into this earth. Some of us are okay with a bit of compromise, and some of us have our plan set in stone. When your pregnant with your first child it’s so easy to assume that everything is going to go to plan and i’m sorry to say ladies but it rarely does. So, as my amazing midwife says, “Write your birth plan in pencil!”. Don’t beat yourself up for having to do something that wasn’t a part of your original plan, just take a deep breathe, and go with it.

After two extra weeks of waiting for our son, I finally caved and agreed to induction. This was organized to happen on Thursday the 19th of January, and funnily enough, he chose to start his journey 2 days prior. Nathan and I had just gone for another one of our many long walks on the Tuesday evening, in the hopes that the walk would help by pushing out boy down, and this time, waddling my huge belly around town finally did something. After having so many ‘false starts’ I wasn’t taking the small contractions seriously, neither was Nathan. I ended up calling the midwife at 7am on Wednesday morning after having absolutely zero sleep. My contractions had gotten to five minutes apart, but because of my history with false starts, being a first time mama to be and having an O.P baby I had to sit tight until my contractions had reached a constant two minutes apart.

The last night that Nathan and I were to ever spend alone together was spent with me rolling around on my swiss ball and playing monopoly. What a last night! I was to be in the hospital at 7am the next morning in the hopes of being induced sometime that day. I didn’t end up having to wait that long. After calling the midwife at 2am on Thursday morning, I was finally given the all clear to get my pregnant butt to the hospital.

We were told we should expect to have our bear cub in our arms by 9am, everything was going to plan and it looked like I was heading towards the birth I had always wanted; natural with zero interventions.

I had to have my waters popped manually, which I promise does not hurt, and even if it did, labour is a very decent distraction. By that point my sister had arrived, my parents were running late and labour was in full swing. I’ll never forget when the midwife checked me again, to tell me that our boys head had moved up and I hadn’t progressed but gone backwards, my heart fell out of my mouth and through the floor.

I felt like my body wasn’t actually meant to bring our cub into this world. I felt like my body had totally let me down. I was told my last chance at a vaginal birth was an epidural.  Once the epidural had been successful, I was then placed onto what felt like thousands of tubes and machines. I was then put on syntocinon to try and help our boy out, and that’s when it became scary for me. His heart rate dropped with every contraction.

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My memory is a hazy here. I was up to my eyeballs in local, morphine and god knows what else that was in that cocktail. I remember holding Nathan’s hand, shaking violently and then he burst out in tears. It hit me then just how taxing this entire situation truly was on my incredible companion. After so many stops and starts, it was finally happening, and how scary? His companion was being sliced open.

Once Torben was in this world I almost instantly forgot everything, i almost forgot my name, who I was and where I was, all that mattered was this beautiful child asleep on my breast.

cofI am forever changed,

Everyday presents a new journey and a new level of happiness I never thought was achievable. Some days are tiring, some days I try to eat the T.V remote and change the channel with a banana, but its all worth every hour of lost sleep.

Alexa.

 

Where my journey through motherhood began.

My journey begins when I found out I was pregnant just before my 24th birthday in may last year, and I’ll never forget it.img_20170121_194416_162

My partner Nathan and I had been together for over a year and had started planning our move overseas. We had just booked and paid for our tickets to Melbourne Australia; we were looking forward to starting our O.E!

My period was one day late, and I just knew then, that I was pregnant. Although I hadn’t taken any tests, my body just felt so different. I went to the local supermarket whilst my partner was at work and grabbed a variety of tests, not trusting one to be enough. The moment I got home I ran upstairs, straight to the toilet and ripped the box to one of the pregnancy tests apart and began the longest piss of my life. As much as I “just knew” I was pregnant in the back of my mind, I still wasn’t mentally prepared for the blue line to appear on that stick.

The only thing my mind or my mouth could physically muster to say was “Fuck”, over and over and over again. I even dramatically slid down the wall of the bathroom to end on the floor and have my head cupped in my hands, still saying “fuck”.

I was in a loving totally functional adult relationship; we were financially pretty decent, my partner was/is an incredibly hard, loyal worker and partner. He is the perfect candidate for a father. We had a home, although somewhat small and only set up for the two of us, we could definitely make it work. But it wasn’t part of our “plan” and that’s what freaked me out so much. Plain and simple, I was freaked out.

I still wish I hadn’t told Nathan in this way but, in my panic attack I TEXTED the poor man whilst he was at work. Don’t ask me what I was thinking, because I don’t think I had the capacity to do so at that point in time!

Once he got home he seemed fine! As if I hadn’t told him one of the potentially most life altering things any human being can go through. He asked me what I wanted to do, totally respectfully this man of mine is. I honestly didn’t know at that point in time. We agreed to let me ponder on this for a couple of days (or weeks) to figure it all out. Nathan said it was completely up to me and that he would support any choice I decided on, how lucky am I?

Naturally, after having a miscarriage early on in our relationship and feeling the pain of losing a child, (that’s an entire blog post in itself) even though we had planned to terminate, I decided to keep this wee peanut growing inside of me.

After feeling absolutely freaked out, I felt the polar opposite; complete.

Almost 11 months after finding out about our little bear cub, I have learned so much in such a short amount of time and feel like I have a lot of loving, true and raw advice to offer mothers or mothers to be. This is and will be my documented and honest journey through motherhood.

All the love and support in the world to all of you incredible woman,

The Three bears.